Losing Control

Today I am losing control.

I am letting go and letting loose. Finally, I'm seeing it. The control that I want to have of my own life. I see how I want to grip it and squeeze it and shape it into what I think it should look like. I want to wake up and have every day go a certain way. I don't want any hardships, struggles or conflicts. I want it to look perfect even when it's not.

But not anymore. I am losing control.

Discovering new things about yourself can be surprising but sometimes it is not. You know that thing about yourself is in the closet but I don't want to take it out and wear it...even though really I am wearing it. Each day I cinch it around my waist tighter and tighter. I don't want to take it off because it's seemingly holding up my life. I am comfortable with it. I can make it do what I want but I don't dare take it off.

Sometimes God can use the simplest things to reveal the strongholds in my character. A spark of a revelation that takes you somewhat by surprise. You knew something was there that was hindering your closeness and fellowship with the Lord but you couldn't quite put your finger on it. When the revelation comes it's like a new dawn has opened up your heart and exposed it for what it is. This is what I wrestle with. Knowing that there are so many things left to be exposed and I shudder at the thought of it. My fear of God moves me on to be thankful that He is exposing these weaknesses and areas of control.

Lately, one of my prayers has been for strength and endurance. Sometimes the Lord answers in a way that you least expect. While I waited for strength and endurance to come I expected it to crash over me like a wave so that I could feel it, soak it in and rest in it. Instead, God brought trials, although as simple they may seem to some, they ravished me exposing the rotten core on the inside. See, when I was praying for endurance the trials are what he used to bring that to fruition. This of course would not have been my plan of action. That's where I wanted full control.

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
(Romans 5:3-5)
I am discovering that not exulting in tribulations can bring unwanted stress. Instead of concentrating on rejoicing through my trials I tend to concentrate on the problem. After all it is human nature to do that isn't it? When I can't control it the way I want it to I begin to worry about how I am going to "fix" the problem instead of relying on God to carry the burden. It can be very difficult when I'm in this situation just to throw it all out there and let God handle it. I am still learning about this process. Although I know to do it sometimes I just don't know always how to do it and this is where feverish and unceasing prayer surface. What I do know that keeps my hope alive in Him is that He will not let his work go unfinished in me!

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6)
I look forward with open heart and humbleness to that completed work in my life!

What a joy it is to have my Lord and Savior
directing my steps!